Run With Me

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tats and music 001Today marks nine years. Nine years ago today, I crossed the finish line at the District Cross country meet in third place. I qualified for Regionals. I crossed that line with one thing in mind—to keep running. I wanted to run from the truth—that my best friend and brother died today.

I tried to train for regionals which would take place the following Saturday. But through casserole delivery, hugs from friends and family, the viewing, the funeral, and the numbness, my training lacked. I showed up to that race. I started. I made it a passed mile one. Then I stopped.

Life is like that race. We find out something that keeps us from the fight. Maybe we fall and just cry. Maybe we run the other direction, hoping that sharp cringe in the backs of our necks will just disappear. When faced with adversity no one blames you. It was circumstantial. You had no control over your lack of fight.

Nine years have passed since you left. But there is still a part of you that pushes me through life’s race. Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of times I wanted to give up this race. But for me to put others through the pain you did, on purpose, is selfish.

I know I’m not running this race alone. Maybe you’re not here, but there is a part of me that pretends you are; that you are watching, keeping me constantly in training. I often think, how would Gabe feel about that? You are there, capturing my splits along this race. And because you’re here I know that I can keep running, fighting, and aiming for victory.

Nearly a decade is gone. Life has passing by. But there is one thing I ask: Run with Me until I Fly with You.

Letter To My Love

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2015-04-26 10.10.43One aspect of my life that I never seem to talk about is the fact that I am bipolar. It can be very difficult at times, especially when it comes to things that everyone wants, like love. If you have ever loved someone with bipolar, it is important to understand that they do love you back, they just have a funny way of showing it.

To my Love:

All the words I want to say to you can be difficult to rhyme.
And what I feel about you now is sure to heighten over time.
One thing I know to be true is that I love you more than air;
A simple life satisfaction that we often forget is there.

There are many times I laugh and many times I cry.
It is often hard to read my pages but I’m so thankful that you try.
I don’t know why you love me, because I know I make it hard.
You constantly give into me even when I put up my guard.

Sometimes I cry because I want to scare you away.
I think it’ll be easier if I had an excuse for you not to stay.
The things that go through my mind are not easy to understand;
I can be so prideful, and I refuse your helping hand.

Thank you for being who you are and for doing all you do.
I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone but you.
I know that there things in which you and I disagree,
But I’m so thankful that you always come back for me.

Through thick and thin we always thrive
When I’m with you I feel alive
Though it’s hard to understand why I can act how I do.
There is one thing that will remain constant, I love you.